Carol Fisher Linn
Mother’s Day is May 11th; who mothered you?
Mother! What a beautiful word! What a powerful word! As a wordsmith, I tend to get hung up on words and their diverse meanings. As I prepared to write this, I thought about a lot of things – what does my own mother mean to me? Aside from my own mom, who loved unconditionally, I wondered who are some mothers I would have used as role models? Growing up in the 50’s (my favorite show was I Remember Mama starring Peggy Woods. Something about that Norwegian Mama always gave me a feel-good feeling. Of course, years later, there was ultra fashionable Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch who always had a solution to any dilemma, and never had a hair out of place while doing it. It was an ideal but once I became a mother of three and stepmom of two, that ideal flew out the window. A recent Hallmark movie I watched centered around a foster mom who raised a house full of girls and gave them all as much love and nurturing any child could need.
So that got me thinking about what mothering means. With Mother’s Day around the corner, it occurred to me that I have several friends who deserve to be honored on this special day. They never live-birthed a child, yet they truly mothered a spouse’s children as if they were their own. I did an informal telephone survey with a few friends asking what they felt mothering is. Do you have to be a natural mother to mother someone, I asked? It turned out that three of them never received any “mothering” from their own birth mothers, but rather had an aunt or grandmother or neighbor who validated them, guided them, and made them feel loved. The consensus seemed to be that what made these people feel “mothered” was knowing that their person was there to listen and understand, maybe even try to solve a problem or be ready with a hug and tissue to dry tears. One used the term “maternal energy”. She said it goes beyond strictly saying that a woman is mothering her child. My friend went on to say, “I can even feel it in nature at times. The rhythms, the seasons, the ebb and flow of the tides, the feeling when hugging a tree or grounding in bare feet on the grass.”
Another friend in Connecticut trains skiers to teach the disabled to ski. She uses the concept of mothering to enlighten her trainees, reminding them to train their young charges as if they (the trainers) were moms training their own kids to become proficient … yet independent. “Love on them, teach them – don’t do for them,” was her bottom line. That was her version of “mothering,” to bring out the potential they didn’t even know they had.
I had a dear male friend who died last year, but since I was 16, he always showed me his feminine side. A good friend, yes, but he always “mothered” me in that he held space for me, validated me, encouraged me, listened to me, never judged me and supported me. You know, not everyone has a good relationship with their mother but know that you can always find someone who will be supportive of you, “mother” you, and love you with their whole heart.
I found myself wondering how “mothering” either from your own mom, or from others who have stepped in to fill that void has impacted your own ability to have successful relationships with others? Think of those important people in your life and be grateful for the modeling you received. Did it make you a better parent? Do you speak to your own children the way these nurturers spoke to you? Did you pass on the compassion and understanding and hugs they gave you?
Bottom line. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. The one thing I would remind is that you were not walking in her shoes at the time she was raising you. As an adult why not stop to consider, without judgement, what she may have been carrying during those years, or perhaps even carries to this day? With the spirit of my own mom’s unconditional love perhaps look for a way to forgive and begin building a new bridge. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.